Thursday, November 29, 2012

tears: 28 november 2012

Everything is making me cry tonight.

a commercial with beautiful piano music
a scene in a TV show
eating a piece of pie my mom baked
written words from a friend after I sent her a random brain dump

And there are a lot of thoughts making me tear up (all the while my nephews watch TV upstairs).

thoughts of how I've disappointed myself and others
thoughts of a boy who broke my heart
thoughts of my hopes, dreams, and unspoken prayers
thoughts of gratitude that our God is so gracious
thoughts of my upcoming birthday and how my life is nothing like the dreams I've had since I was a little girl

I know it is good to let these tears out even though some of them make me feel so weak. So vulnerable. And small. And that I've been wearing my "good girl" mask too much lately. So I let them fall silently. And think about taking a shower so I can let them fall in anger/ frustration/ despair.

PS: Something else bringing me to tears- my Beth Moore Bible Study. Read Psalm 84 and Psalm 91:4. While I was reading Psalm 84 out loud (per the study instructions)- I could barely get the words and my eyes were blinded by my tears. What a needed reminder and blessing from God.

Friday, November 2, 2012

your heart's desire

She came early. But I figured she wanted to catch up before being out of the office for a trip. She came in and I gave my usual cheerful "good morning!" A pause. From the look on her face I could tell something was wrong. And it was more than just a bad morning.
"My dad passed away last night."
I pause and the words she said sink in. I rise from my chair and give her a hug. I don't know what to say. She is crying and tears well up in my eyes as she gives me more details. We move to her office. She tells me more. I only remember saying; "Do whatever you need to do. Let me know what I can do for you!"

It is a strange morning. Not the usual office chatter or laughter. She leaves before lunch. I miss our routine IMing through out the day. It is only after everyone has left for the day and I'm alone at the office when the tears leave my eyes.
She lost her Dad.
I can't imagine.
I want to call my parents, but I know I won't be able to get my words out through the tears. I'm so glad I will be seeing them on Sunday. I can't wait to hug them and tell them in person how much I love them.

I buy the wine, pick up my food, and finish my drive home. Unload my car- grab the mail- change into sweats- pour the wine- chow down while mindlessly watching TV before the CMAs start. My thoughts keep going back to my coworker/ friend. She lost her father. Thank goodness we will never lose our heavenly Father! Today my "Jesus Calling" reading was perfect for me. I've been feeling guilty and discouraged about the whole "getting over someone process".
But guess what? God knows our imperfections (He expects them!) and gives grace as we need it. He know our hearts' desires to be close to Him and is pleased by that!
His love is unconditional.

(written the night of November 1, 2012)